I’m always on the look for hidden gems in stores and for once I thought I had managed to find one on my own! (Usually my trusty sidekick G is there to advise and usually tell me to put that down!). Nevertheless we thought we would give it a try. Things starting off promising, it was funny which was bearable but then we were left in a situation that was quite uncomfortable, one that meant we would be watching the whole film (although constantly checking how much longer we had to put up with it for) and by the end contemplating suicide.
Sometimes I would deem a film too bad that it’s actually good. This can be because its that bad its funny therefore worth a single watch but this film is actually THAT bad I’m willing to ruin every single "highlight" of this film to get my point across as I am confident by the end of this review you will not be watching it any time soon.
First off before watching the film take a read of the back cover. It tells you the whole story. Start to finish. You know exactly what has happened, exactly what will happen and granted it does sound ok.
Basically a safe house of immigrants on the border of Mexico is bought by a couple. A few months before this a family of Mayans were killed at the house. The female of the couple that buy the house is a psychiatric patient and the male her doctor/fiancé. She thinks she’s having flashes of something that has happened in the house. He thinks she’s gone mad again. Ok start film.
The quality of the film itself is rather poor but it looks as if this was the intention of the producer rather than a low budget (although this is a low budget film). The setting is simple and at first glace useable for a decent film. But for me there’s just too many parts of this film which I found utterly pointless, there’s a strip tease performed by a blonde outlaw, yes pleasing but why was it there? Another naked scene including a bath and our main character which then shows her being strangled by a mysterious killer with a leather glove on, its ok it was just a dream. Great.
The dialogue is cringe-worthy. Sometimes we laughed at how appalling and cliché sentences were and sometimes we just felt embarrassed that the actors had been paid to ‘star’ in this drivel. Best line of the whole film was when we were enjoying our blond outlaws strip show for two Mexican outlaws, the only line I can remember is "Ripe" haha.
Our main character bumbles on about the "Mayan", she reads books and looks deeply in to their culture. Fair enough but it just felt like at times they tried too hard to incorporate the Mayan’s "traditions" in to the film. I didn’t really care that they needed a real burial to not come back from the dead I just wanted to see some action! This could have been an angle for a good plot but it was used terribly.
Then the action came! My pants were wet with excitement but they soon dried up when I watched what was laid before me. Some of the gore was ok. This will be reflected in the final score but that was about all. There wasn’t much and due to the budget some scenes which in my opinion could have turned in to something good were nothing more than a camera cut angle and the rest left to the imagination (even though you really know what’s happening, you just want to see it).
Then there are the effects. My word I have seen better graphics come from my buttocks. Usually sending ripples through my trousers as the gas immitions tear through the atmosphere. Everybody knows what the sun looks like yes? The big yellow thing up in the sky, but I think the director is taking us for a ride here because I’m pretty sure the sun they keep showing me has been made in Microsoft Paint. In fact I think the five suns they keep showing me are made in MS Paint. In fact I think all of the graphics were made in MS Paint. I’m sorry but I just couldn’t humour the effects used in this film. Zombies fading in to bushes, scenery fading away like it was never there, it was all awful. The gore/blood was bearable but nothing spectacular, it looked like blood which is always good, body parts being pulled out of victims also looked ok, but it’s used it many other films and 10.2million times better.
The finale, the Mayan "zombies" were given a real burial and fade in to the bushes but what’s this now the main character wants to know why they were killed in the first place and who by! Oh look it was you! The other main character! We didn’t see that one coming! It gets better....bear with me people. Before fading in to the bush one of the Mayans which was pregnant left us a little present! A cute little Mayan zombie baby which after we find out who the killer is proceeds in attacking him and revenging the rest of the Mayans which have already faded in to the bush! This scene of zombie baby Vs Man I found funny for about 2 seconds, then I felt like putting my face in the DVD case and snapping it shut multiple times so that I could finally realize what I was seeing was actually in a film and had actually been released to the general public at one point.
Overall I don’t rate this film much. The plot was weak; character development was dire and pointless. Gore was ok, but there was not enough and some scenes were embarrassing. Basically I wrote a big review because I feel robbed (well actually no I don’t, the day after watching this I took it back to the shop and swapped it for something else) but still I feel sorry for people who pay money for this. If I didn’t want this to be a public warning announcement my review would be:
Hi I’m Dawn of the Living Dead, don’t buy me or watch me ever. I’m crap. End review.