Review: Hellmaster


If the dodgy box art didn’t put you off then you surely are as misguided as us. Featuring the lord of the 80s ‘John Saxon, dodgy box or not, how bad could it be?
The answer, is very. This movie is pure shit.

Lets just get one thing straight Saxon is only in it for a total of about 10 minutes, so his reputation remains untainted, however, the same cannot be said for the reputation of Douglas Schulze, the man responsible for all creative aspects of ‘Hell Master’.

In the beginning, owing mainly to the same locations being used to represent different time periods without any indication, and conversations being held by an array of un-introduced characters in overly dark sets, the story seems so ridiculously confusing. When you do finally work out what is going on you are treated to possibly one of the most ridiculous plots I have ever seen. Simply stated, a mad old professor returns with a horde of ‘experimental’ students to reclaim the school he was once removed from.

Why? How? And Where from? all remain a mystery.

Could have been ok I guess, but what this actually translates to are several periods of drab dialogue, and a lot of slow creeping about in the same dark corridors for the best part of an hour.

As dull as fuck; I don’t even feel inspired to think up a witty comparison to put over my point.

Just for the sake of professionalism I will state that there are about two scenes of violence in the movie, but definitely nothing to write home about, just a bit of blood and that the face of the hell master ranges from being a bit creepy in some scenes to down-right ridiculous in others.

Overall, despite the reams of rubbish movies out there it isn’t very often you find a movie with no redeeming features. Two brief scenes of blood and one pair of tits sums up this movies positives, the rest is nigh on unwatchable. I genuinely think I would prefer to simply spend 90 minutes just staring at a blank TV than watch this again.

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