Review: Tetsuo – The Iron Man


Well, what can I say about this film? Why am I asking you, you say? You haven’t seen the film? So how on earth could you know what to say about it?

Well, that’s true, I have seen the film, and the chances are you haven’t, but you know what? That makes no FUCKING difference.

Take a blind guess what this film is about and you’d probably have just as much of a clue as me.
I’ve had to look for a synopsis of the film so I can tell you what it’s about, cuz I could not follow it at all. And I mean, at all.

Ok then, Its about a man, known only as the metal fetishist who is obsessed with turning himself into metal who, after being knocked down by a car and left for death in a ditch starts to change the driver, known only as salary man, into a walking scrap pile.

Still with me?

Ok, the salary man first notices that metal is growing out of his face, yeah I know, then we see him fucking the missus and his cock changes into, and I quote, a Gargantuan power drill which he then uses to fuck his girlfriend to death with.

Yep, I bet you wanna watch it now don’t you? Don’t, its shit.

Anyway, the metal fetishist turns up and starts fighting the salary man, who by now has turned into a scrap metal man (anyone who is a fan of “the Mighty Boosh” just needs to imagine the man residing in the world of mirrors and you’d be pretty close). What follows is the most bizarre set of events ever recorded to film and I won’t try to explain them, but I felt like I was tripping balls. Big balls too.

The film ends with the 2 characters forming a gestalt entity and pledging to turn the world into rust and ends with the line, and I quote (from the subtitles):
"Our love can put an end to this fucking world. Let's Go Get'em".

Then they race off into the distance.

Yeah, it is as fucking crazy and nigh on unwatchable as it sounds. You know the synopsis I mentioned earlier, I actually pulled that up during watching to try and work out what the hell was going on.

Now, if you go on IMDB you’ll see loads of pretentious wankers saying that it’s a piece of art and giving it 10/10. Now, it may have artistic merit and the director may really have had some idea about what he was doing. But as a film it is total and utter horse shit.

Normally I say something like, “get a few beers in and you’ll have a laugh with it”, you won’t, it’ll just make you quicker to anger and you don’t wanna break you’re telly

AVOID!!!! And there’s 2 sequels, which I haven’t and will never see!

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