Review: Vampire Assassin


Right from the DVD menu you can tell a couple of things about this film. First – it’s a complete and utter rip off of ‘Blade’, second – it’s a really low budget affair. From the opening 5 minutes you can tell one really important thing; that the remaining 85 minutes are going to quite possibly be the most lengthy of your life.

This is going to be a relatively short review as I believe enough of my attention has been given to this film. Basically the plot is exactly the same as ‘Blade’ with the exception that the characters in this film are not developed at all. It’s down to one half man half vampire to defeat the vampire threat. The only problem is that the films already wet-toilet-paper thin plot gets a little bit twisted as at one point both the vampires and the ‘assassin’ group are fighting against him – not really sure why, don’t really give a shit either to be honest.

The plot is messy, the dialog worse. The actors look uncomfortable even when they are simply standing listening to other characters having a conversation; it’s not the worse acting I’ve ever seen but its close enough.

The vampires themselves look ok as they clearly kept it simple, just normal men/women with a little white face paint and some fangs, except the leader, who looks a little bit like Tom Jones and wears a proper cheesy cape; he looks like a right puff!

Another of the films many many flaws is that there isn’t any blood, well about a spoons full anyhow. Instead of blood, when a vampire is staked, we are treated to a ‘dazzling’ display of ‘Adobe-movie-magic’ style lightening effect which looks incredibly shit.

The only thing that is worth mentioning of any merit is that in some cases the martial arts style combat looks ok, but most of the time it looks incredibly cheesy and ‘stage combat’ like, especially the slow-mo and the sections which are clearly sped up.

Overall this film is the sort of film where you are not sure just how they managed to not only fill 90 minutes but how the hell they made it seem so much…. much longer than that. The film, especially towards the end, seems to be moving sideways rather than forward as reams and reams of cheesy fighting and dialog seem to be going nowhere; as does the timer on your DVD player. Basically avoid this movie; it’s about as appealing as crabs.

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